My friend Miranda always says, ‘You have to be low to be up.’ Just when I thought I’d hit rock bottom and slowly crept my way up, I’d hit the bottom of rock bottom. I hadn’t expected this whole phase of ‘waiting for God to lead me and use me in the legal field’ to take this long. It’s been a year. A year of back and forth with God, in and out of a dumpster relationship, constant uncertainty and mental breakdowns (minimum once every week). When my mother suggested I head to the U.S. to visit family, I hesitated. The hesitation derived from the fact that I had not been entirely honest with the people I love. More importantly, I hadn’t been honest with myself. I wanted to remain in this phase of stagnation and loneliness. I needed to face the reality that I was heavily doom scrolling on Instagram and comparing myself to other women, squandering money on articles of clothing I’d wear once for pictures. Pictures that will be uploaded later on Instagram to impress some emotionally unavailable man. As the tedium set in each passing day of uncertainty, I caught myself staring at my appearance longer, thinking of ways to improve the ‘flaws’ that I wanted to fix. As time was wasting away, I felt my spirit was wasting away too. I’d become so utterly vain, it felt intoxicating. The numbers on my bank account decreased rapidly over the past two months. My closet is stuffed with clothes that smell like gasoline, and all I want to do is set it on fire. Set it all on fire. 

Things quickly descended into utter chaos when my flight to Chicago got cancelled, my luggage got lost, my aunt died, the job that I had lined up fell through, and the anxiety I felt when I thought an emotionally unavailable man was leaving me again for some chick he’d just met. When my luggage got lost, the first thing I thought of was ‘No! My cute clothes that I wanted to take cute pictures in and post on Instagram. My life is ruined.’ Guys, God is such a gentle teacher. The first few days were HARD. I was mad because things between my mother and I were already tense, and my sister and I hadn’t spoken in a while, so it was awkward. Yet, as the days passed and I spent more time with family, and with God, I kind of forgot about the luggage. I had just finished a quiet time in my sister’s lovely room, went downstairs and saw the luggage. My initial reaction was ‘Oh.’ To my surprise, there was no joy or excitement. In my head, my mindset had transformed so quickly from ‘My precious collection of clothes from Europe’, to ‘They’re just clothes’. Matthew 6:28-30 asks us to ‘Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹ yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰ And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?’. So, why worry about clothes? 

When my aunt died in the same week, it triggered everything in me. It made me ponder upon the idea that if I had died tomorrow, would I be happy with the version of myself today? Most importantly, would God be pleased with me? The straight answer, was no. When these thoughts got too uncomfortable in my brain, I went and got emotional. Thus, I headed over to an emotionally unavailable man and spiralled with him. Told him we didn’t need to see each other anymore because I couldn’t understand why we were still doing this.  ‘If I like someone, I’m going to ask them out. But life feels sadder without you. I don’t know how to navigate this.’ Those words meant, ‘I want you in my life still, I want your availability, but I want to be allowed to seek other women out. You shouldn’t be upset by the fact that we still hang out and communicate like a couple, yet I still am on the hunt for the One.’  Many will ask why I stayed, and why I went back. The simplest answer I can give you is love. A stubborn love, compromising to your well-being and so inexplicably understated. You might think I’m pathetic. To go back to the person who has singlehandedly launched an utter emotional rollercoaster in your life, to stay after he’s gone through 4 women in a span of a year that you’ve known him. You might think a fictional character like Carrie Bradshaw is so utterly dense for waiting all those years for Mr Big (not all of us will end up that way). Yet, this story is not new. There are many men and women out there who are going through the same thing. You can’t leave because you love. You’ve become numb to the anxiety and constant heartache that it feels normal.

There is a way out, and the answer is intimacy with the Lord. 

This is what we should seek after. Yes, friends and family are great support. But first, God. My devotion game has been off, incredibly off. It makes so much sense why I’ve been returning to my old coping mechanisms (I struggled and still struggle heavily with addiction in various aspects) for Galatians 4:9 says, ‘But now that you know God—or rather are known by God—how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?’. The translation in my head goes like this: ‘You’ve tasted the sweetness of honey (goodness of God) when all you’ve had was bitter poison (devil’s portion), why drink the bitter poison again?’. The actionable point I got from this verse is this: Whilst you’ve got all this crap going on in your personal life, you shift your focus from ‘I’m an addict, God solve this quickly for me’, or ‘God, I’m still in this season of uncertainty, show me now!’ to ‘God, I’m growing to know you more. Take me to the garden where we are ONE’ and ‘God, as you bring me into Your chambers, I am steadfast and secure in the knowledge that Your timing and will is absolute and without error’. Imagine a small, dark room versus a land of green pastures. Green pastures where you can breathe, where there is FREEDOM. 2 Corinthians 3:17 states where we can find freedom, which is the Holy Spirit:  ‘Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom’. There is a way out, and I’m eager to find out. Friend, God doesn’t rush us or is rough with us, it’s a slow dance with Him. A simple yes. Just a simple yes.