‘It’s so obvious he only sees you as a friend, not a wife.’ She thinks we’re only friends (which we are, I mean, why would one kiss another yet still be active on Hinge seeking potential partners by sending roses). But the further she twisted the knife (that had already been lodged in my chest for a while at this point), the more I wanted her to. I’d wished the wound would persist so that one day, I would wake up and stop convincing myself he was going to feel any different, that he was going to change. He hasn’t done anything wrong; I haven’t done anything wrong.

But somehow, you always end up on the bathroom floor crying at 3 a.m., or leaving the shower on for an extra 10 minutes because you don’t want your mother to hear the sobbing noises, to see your ugly cries.

I turn 23 in exactly two weeks. Things looked positive for the first time in a while yesterday and today – my workload has lightened after I expressed the fact that working whilst on leave is not normal and that doing other people’s work, was not what I signed up for either. A new work opportunity has been offered to me in November, so I’m looking forward to that.

‘One word from you and I would jump off of this ledge I’m on Baby’. Mitski’s ‘First Love/Late Spring’ has overtaken the Taylor Swift ‘my tears ricochet’ phase. When we were in Spain, we visited some beautiful Catholic churches. It became prevalent to me at that point, the scene in Big Bang Theory where Howard’s mom is in the emergency because he told her he was marrying a Catholic (he’s Jewish). I didn’t get it until my mother kept praying over us for ‘protection’ as we entered a Catholic church. To be frank, him as one seems to be the least of my concerns. It’s the ‘loving me’ part.

As I was getting ready to head out for a sunny day in Madrid, having almost burnt my hair with my curling iron, I pondered and got sad. When it came to my friends’ birthdays, I’ve always been known as the ‘planner’. Loving has never been hard for me (owing to my ‘healthy’ and ‘loving’ upbringing), and I’ve always tried my very best to tailor each birthday surprise to the individual. In the past, I would cook and bake an entire birthday spread, except that one time I had to order a sashimi platter for my friend Natalie’s birthday (because I was not trained in Japan for 5 years) during the COVID-19 pandemic. Sometimes, I feel inclined to buy flowers or chocolates for my friends without occasion, just because I want to.  I write long, and heartfelt letters because a simple ‘happy birthday’ card does not justify the impact of their presence in my life. None of these have ever felt obligatory to me. Yet, it didn’t surprise me at the very least, when I found out I was going to be alone again on my 23^rd birthday. I know relationships aren’t transactional but sometimes, I’d like for someone to see me, to treat me the way I do with the people I treasure in my life. To buy me flowers just because they felt like it. To send me a message telling me they’re thinking of me. Sometimes.