A lukewarm love. ‘We would be so great together’. ‘If only I got my act together’. ‘I wish I was happy with you.’  You cling on to the ‘if only’ because the fear of letting go is worse than the reality in front of you. The reality is, that he will probably never feel certain about you in the future if he isn’t certain about you now. You cling on because you’re afraid that though there is transparency, there is also the companionship you lack elsewhere. What I’ve realised in the mere past two days of work completely inciting some anxiety-driven thoughts, no one person can ever be your fortress, your rock, your source of salvation like Him. You don’t want to seek Him, yet He seeks you. Amid chaos and uncertainty, He seeks you in different places, He reminds you He is here. He’s always been here. He’s your closest friend. 

I’ve always sought consolation from relationships such as friends and family, especially my mother. The majority of the time she has replaced the concept of God in my life. If I ever had an issue, I wouldn’t pray to God directly but ask her to pray for me. It is good to request prayers, but if you don’t bother talking to the man up there – what sort of relationship, if any, is this? Some non-committal, bare minimum love? A conditional love? A love that trusts God only when you see positive outcomes, when everything is smooth sailing? Yet, when things have taken a turn down a periodical uncertainty, you tell God ‘Leave it with me, don’t bother because I know you will take a million years. Everything I ask is always difficult with you. You’re always playing mind games with me. Who knows when you will respond? If you will at all?’ There have been a lot of ongoing matters with work that have been out of my control, and even if it was, I don’t want to deal with it. My control issues have taken me to the darkest places, to points of depression and suicidal thoughts. David’s journey in Psalms is such a perfect illustration of how many of us Christians encounter each day. The tough seasons are so rough, they can be 6 months or 6 years. A verse that stuck out to me was in Psalms 61:2, which is when David calls for God to ‘lead him to a rock higher than [him]’. Higher than his present wisdom, his human capabilities, to a foundation so solid that his faith would not be easily shaken. A structure so well thought out that no disaster can ever destroy or diminish its structural integrity. 

You realize as you spend more time with God (I’ve been putting a little more effort nowadays, I am learning to grow up – my tantrum phase is over),  the desires you once clung to for so long turn out to be more disappointing than you’ve imagined in your head. The kiss you’ve been waiting for turned out exactly how it was a few months ago, with the dreadful aftermath of ‘it just doesn’t feel right’. With God, there will never be a doubt as to how much He loves and treasures you. The calamities and uncertainties in your life are not an indication that He does not love you. You do not need to be afraid of your shortcomings causing Him to love you less. Perfect love expels all fear (1 John 4:18).