One day you’re finishing up your IGCSEs, throwing away your A-level Economics past year papers in the bin to end up in a lecture hall filled with bright and driven minds, discussing their plans for the summer, something to do with ‘Magic Circle.’ I hate to break it to you: when God calls you to do something, He won’t tell you exactly how to do it, and that’s the point. We surrender so much He takes the lead.  I still don’t know why I’m in this field, I may not know in a couple of years. I’m not particularly passionate about the law and I don’t think I’ve ever been passionate about something to commit to it. I was never much of an aspirational student from high school. You’d think growing up with Asian parents it’d be that way, but my dad has always patted me on the back after every exam season and said, ‘As long as you’ve done your best, that’s enough for me.’ Thus, when it became the last day to apply to universities in England, I said to myself ‘Screw this, fine. God, You win.’ 

That’s how I ended up in a busy lecture hall on my first day of law school with no one to turn to in this foreign land, and no feeling of belonging. Law school was hard because I made it hard for myself. I stopped involving God in my life, I stopped wanting to rely on Him because I hated waiting and exercising faith. It got too much for me, a steady relationship with God was too difficult to commit to. So, I buried myself with things that made me busy, too busy to go to church, too busy to even visit the campus Christian Union. Too busy to sit down and pray for five minutes. I gained 20 pounds in my third year. I used food to cope. I still to this day, sometimes use food to cope. 

I looked back at photos in my third year and could see how miserable I was. It wasn’t about the food; it was never about the food. It was about relying on people, objects, and worldly pleasures to avoid a relationship that is worth fighting for.  The other day, I broke down because it’s close to 6 months and I feel worse than I did at the beginning of 6 months. I feel further away from God, I scroll mindlessly online after a long day because I can’t be bothered to talk to God, and I don’t expect an answer anymore. It is difficult to live in my head because I know He answers on His terms, I know the truth is that He always wants to spend time with me, and He loves me unconditionally. But my head is so utterly stubborn to believe these truths, though I know them to be true. I know He is a Wonderful Counsellor, Provider, etc. I mean, He is God. 

London is so utterly isolating. I feel 10x the same isolation I felt on my first day of law school, the prolonged feeling of loneliness I felt throughout my degree. This feeling can’t be fixed by reading a bunch of self-help books, working out and eating healthy. Sure, those things are great, but the reality is, that nothing will ever fill that void other than God. He is like no other (Joel 2:27 ‘Then you will know that I am among my people Israel, that I am the LORD your God, and there is no other. Never again will my people be disgraced.’). My friend asked me the other day ‘What keeps you going?’, I genuinely do not know. Maybe the hope that there is, someone out there who would cry if I died. Upon pondering on it further, I realise people don’t keep me going. It was God who kept me going throughout my teenage years, He saved me from ending my life. He gave me a purpose. Though that purpose isn’t fully fleshed out yet, I’m okay with it.