He hugs me as he heads for the door exiting my apartment. That was Valentine’s Day. It is almost midnight on a Monday, and I just got back from his apartment.  Who travels an hour to finish the second half of a Lord of the Rings movie? Who lets the other pick the movie or show because she knows he hates her taste and doesn’t bother trying to watch a single episode of a favourite show or movie of hers? Who still tries on different outfits before their meetup, even though they’re ‘only friends’ because she refuses to be a mere footnote in his life? I got a sudden ick from myself when he said, ‘I allow you to kiss me on the cheek once each time we meet’. I’m slowly turning into that pathetic person 2 months ago, who tried her absolute best to get a man, a man who has made it clear (on most occasions) that he does not feel happy with her. No matter how hard he tries. No matter how hard they both tried. It just never worked.

At the age of 15, I remember waking up an hour earlier before school every day to put flowers in my hair to impress the cute librarian who did taekwondo after school every Thursday. Even when I had him, I didn’t. I felt I was still competing with everyone else, that I always had to do things that pleased him for him to continue to like me. Things that made him feel good about himself whilst I put myself under a constant microscope. ‘Are you sure it happened?’ ‘Bring pepper spray next time’ was his response when I told him I had been sexually assaulted. Sure, he was younger and didn’t know better. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Yet, I realised in my very minimal dating experience, I often cling to men who cling to me because of how I make them feel, nothing more.

It’s a healthy stage in your relationship with your ex until you still do things like cuddling, and saying things like ‘I’m not over you either’. I’ve learned that if I want to keep him in my life, I’d have to suck it up and let him date other people. I know, from the reader’s point of view that perhaps I am doing so hoping one day he will show up at my doorstep and tell me he made a mistake. You’re not right but not wrong, entirely. See, that fantasy does not present itself without its practical difficulties. Had it occurred, there are so many factors that are so out of alignment, that the relationship would’ve never worked. For me, I’d say the most striking personal issue is that I often fall into old habits to cushion the blow that is my current life. I dread waking up. As I dread waking up to deal with life I binge drink or eat, or complete a useless list of things to do with ‘self-love’. To be fair, both of us I can safely say, do not have a steady stance with the Lord.

My first love was God, and He should remain my first love always. He’s not the emotionally unavailable guy you’re in love with, the guy who ghosted you, the guy who made you feel like the most special girl in the world, only to leave you to rot and die in your tears eating takeout food for a week straight (also because your boss is being an absolute ass to you). He knows and sees you for who you are. He loves unconditionally, even if you slam a door in His face. That’s love for me.