We are all too familiar with feeling like a mere lingering shadow before getting ready for a class, work, or whatever innumerable responsibilities we have that day. It’s all robotic – the getting up, the making of your bed (or not), rushing to make a hot pot of coffee (tea is too weak for me) whilst you quickly dress to get ready to meet and talk to people you’ve built tolerance to. You’re just a cog in a messed-up machine. You’re overworked, tired, and running on low fuel as usual. Unless you belong to the 5 a.m. breed. You know, the getting to bed by 9 p.m., reading 10 pages of a book before bed without touching your phone, getting a workout in before work, not drinking caffeine till lunchtime (something to do with circadian rhythms) kind. In that case, you should still read this. You have probably had at least one morning where you’ve felt the former.

‘You’re a tough cookie, you can handle it.’ I don’t particularly like it when people say this to me. Whilst the implication of such a comment is intended to invoke feelings of encouragement, it makes me feel worse. Me? Handle it on my own? I’m turning 23 this year, and I barely know how to manage some of my affairs, let alone my entire life including stormy seasons such as this. It is more than safe to say, that ever since I moved to London a little over a year ago, I haven’t gotten it figured out. Not at all, not even a little bit. Every time I feel as if I’ve got a breather or myself together, I’ve got another situation. Or two. Or ten. It’s utterly exhausting. So no, I don’t want to handle it on my own. In my humble opinion (and the Word of God), we aren’t meant to do this on our own. Psalms 121:1-2 says ‘I lift my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.’ How tranquil is that? It is beyond comprehension how big God is. The issue with me is, I don’t ever sit around long enough to try to comprehend how transcendent He is. The ability to transcend into the physical realm, intervening in situations that are beyond our control. I am often too bogged down with the circling worries and sleep deprivation to make even a mental note of it. That’s the flesh for you, working its hardest to drive you further away from God.

What I do now, when I don’t even have the energy to move – I sit and play an Upperroom service on YouTube. I don’t even sing because most of the time, there is often nothing left in me to sing, and the idea of forcing myself to sing when my soul feels so destroyed inside and out, makes me want to do other things. Even if playing that song hasn’t exactly changed my circumstances, those problems are being taken and surrendered to the Lord.

When people say I am a tough cookie, I’d say God gives me tough cookies (obviously metaphorical) to overcome the situation. Bringing in people who have assisted with helping me overcome tough situations. I am not going to lie. The past few months, actually the whole past year have been the toughest season of my life. Whether it be school, work, or personal relationships, each area has been so utterly affected that I’ve come to a point where if something bad happens, I have a mini cry session (or I don’t depending on my crying quota) and let myself sit with it. Sit with the discomfort.  Then, I ask God to help me deal with it. As this has occurred many times, it becomes easier each time to let it go. To do less on my part. It doesn’t mean this process is easier, being broken down is never easy.  For some reason, I didn’t know stormy seasons could last this long. I often hear they last a few months, never more than a year. I just know they don’t last forever.